a rude awakening

We had an uncomfortable (for me, but very much needed) conversation at our favourite kopitiam today.  I was confronted with a question that I had been avoiding - what am I doing now to get to where I want to be?

It was so freakin uncomfortable man. My decade-older cousin stared me down, and for the life of me I couldn't come up with an answer. 'Are you gonna wait around till the time comes to apply for that thing you want or are you going to spend and dedicate your time towards crafting and planning your life around that goal?' 

Nobody had actually asked me that before. It was something I put off even asking myself. But she pegged me down in 2 seconds and fished out the root problem. Somebody had to ask me that question. I wasn't ready for it, but you can never be ready for it. 'Ready' is an illusion. 

I've been complacent. I've been moping about, feeling sorry for myself. Wistfully thinking that I deserve better, but doing nothing to actually earn it. I've been skiving off. Making up excuses for myself. All because deep down I don't trust my abilities. Basically I've been self-sabotaging under the guise of 'self care' and 'taking things slow'.

There's nothing wrong with taking things slow, as long as the wheels are turning. But none were. I refused to turn the wheels. Because I am fucking afraid. 

Well, they say self-awareness is the first step. 

With that being said, I'm converting this blog into a full-blown manifestation journal. Every thought, every half-thought, every single thing I can think of that can bring me closer to where I wanna be, I'm putting it here. It is an accountability space. I don't have to worry about how it's going to happen. I will just pour every ounce of my being into believing and creating a pathway for myself. 

However it happens isn't my problem.