odyssey plan

 what does my life look like 5 years from now if I continue down on the same path?

if i stayed working at the hospital for the next 5 years,, i'd be earning around 1k more. so around RM5.3k. if i continued not seeing my friends, i probably wouldn't have anyone to talk to in 5 years. (this is scary). ok. if i continued working as a hospital pharmacist, i'd probably stay in the same loop every day - go to work, come back too mentally exhausted to create anything, i'd probably force myself to exercise or make a healthy meal for the next day. life would look the same every day. i'd start to feel resentment towards myself for not allowing myself any freedom. i'd feel caged, like a bird with clipped wings. i'd probably feel shit that i'm letting my dead dad's words hang over me like a perpetual, grey cloud of self-imprisonment. 

what are the good things that could come from continuing down the same path? even if my job was unfulfilling, it would be completely stable. i wouldn't have to worry so much about performance or getting fired. probably. but we dunno what the future holds. it could very well be different. 

right now, i'm not writing the way i want to, or drawing the way i want to. if i continue down this path, if i didn't exercise my creativity, i'd feel bitter and shrivelled up, like a big ol raisin. i will not feel happy. i know in my bones that i need to create to feel something. i need to be writing, even if no one sees it. i need to be planning something. if 5 years passed and i'm still a plain pharmacist on payroll, i'd probably kms. not gonna lie. if 5 years passed and i don't have a studio of art or a book to show for myself, i will die. 

what would it look like if i took a completely different path?

well, within the same field there isn't much you could do that would be wildly different, but let's stay i take on a corporate job. like if i got a job at a pharmaceutical company or a major corporation like Loreal. or if i went into health tech. what would it look like? if i managed to get a remote/WFH role, it would probably free up a lot of time for me to focus on my health and creative endeavours (but this would depend entirely on the nature of the role of course). if i had more time and wasn't working a 9-5, or if i could be more flexible with my working hours, i'd be able to plan out and carry out my creative career more fruitfully. corporate roles usually pay more, so i'd be enjoying a more hefty sum every month. the mental stress that comes from directly being responsible for another person's wellbeing would disappear. i'd only have to worry about my own health and wellbeing, because corporate is not. that. deep. i could also go on business trips? company perks too! and maybe colleagues would be funner and closer to age, idk. of course there'll be meetings (blegh) zoom calls (double blegh) and maybe some ass-kissing (god.) but that's part and parcel of anything in corporate, baby.

what would it look like if i took on a path where i didn't worry about money and others' opinions?

oh, the golden question. *cracks knuckles*

man oh man. if i didn't care about money, i'd be going out into the park and writing. i'd just be sat down, writing. if i wasn't writing, i'd be 

wait, this is a lot harder to answer than i thought, cos i can't really imagine myself not caring about money. right now it's all i think about. 

if i didn't have to worry about money, i'd book a one-way ticket and fly to a major city - London maybe, or Seattle, or San Fran. Maybe even NYC. i'd go on many, many dates and make many, many friends. i'd build a community. i'd start writing for television. or i'd start an illustration career where i make silly little drawings that make people happy. they'd come with stories attached. short stories with drawings. maybe i'd collaborate with people that love my work, and i'd get to create fun artwork for businesses and books and many different things. 

when i was 17, i wanted to be a journalist. i had no idea what that entailed, but i knew i wanted to study journalism. i had looked up the course at a local public uni. i knew it was what i was meant to do. i had always known it in my bones, i've been writing since i was a kid. it felt like the thing i was meant to pursue. it was obvious to me. eventhough i didn't know what a degree in journalism would entail, i wanted to find out. i thought maybe i'd write for a newspaper one day. if i wasn't a reporter i'd be a columnist. i had a lot of opinions that i felt i needed to share. i thought i knew everything. i understood life and society and the universe. and i wanted to translate that understanding and share it with other people the only way i knew how. and i wanted to see my name in print - i wanted to be somebody. i never wished to build a business or to boss people around or to earn loads of money from investing (or whatever it is rich finance bros do). i just wanted to write and have people read my stuff and enjoy it. 

when i was 5 or 6, i loved drawing. my mom put me into an art class cos of how much i enjoyed it. i loved it, some of my earliest memories were from that art class. i distinctly remember it. a few years later i joined another art class when i was around 8 or 9. it felt great, but i had started to compare myself. i wanted to be better. i'd started grading myself in my head. my art started to feel like homework. i stopped going. i continued drawing when i felt like it, but i could never shake the self-appraising of my work. that voice told me that i couldn't get better, this was all i was capable of so i might as well stop trying. so i did. i stopped drawing for a long, long time. 

i had stopped creating, but my brain never stopped seeking out the beauty in things. i could frame something beautifully. i could create beautiful scenes in my head. i had understanding of colour and light and contrast. it's just IN me. i started going on the internet. i joined stardoll, girlsense. i developed an appreciation for clothes and fashion. looking back, it was a natural extension of my inner longing to create. i thought i could become a fashion designer, but of course that fizzled out because, life. 

OK WAIT :

ok so, i just had this mind-blowing, earth-shattering realisation through this video :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvHoF0tOsmM

it's become incredbily clear to me that i have been coddling myself in fantasies of the future. i've been reluctatnt to sit with the discomfort of seeing myself as i am - and i have not been present in my life. i've been projecting myself into future fantasies. instead of doing the work and enjoying the journey of becoming the person i'm meant to be and maximising the potential i believe i hold, i've been wrapped up in a cocoon of safety that i've created around me, because it would be too uncomfortable to unpack everything and start from zero. 

i need to be PRESENT. present. and things will make sense. i need to be present, and take messy steps. i just need to.