dad.

 on 13 April 2022, my dad lost his life. 

The pain has been unbearable. To have him so tragically ripped away from me, I think, will be formative. I can already feel my outlook on life change. No one experiences such profound grief and loss and escapes unscathed. This experience will mark me forever. 

I keep trying to remember everything about him that I can. What he used to say to me in the mornings before I left for work, what he would quip as soon as I got home. 

'Take care, girl. Anything call ah.' 

'Hi girl. Ok ah? How was work?'

I knew his spiel by heart. And it was comforting to have that to go back home to everyday. Something warm, safe, predictable. My dad's presence was like a sturdy, solid rock. Or a boulder. Unyielding. 

It's been barely 2 weeks since he left. It feels like a fever dream, it really does. It doesn't feel like any time has passed at all, but at the same time it feels like its been ages. Mostly cos so much has happened since then. So many emotions have ran its course through my body. I go from zen to teetering on the edge of a breakdown in 2 minutes. It's exhausting. I never knew I was capable of feeling so much. And it surprised me how much numbness can coincide with that too. Rage, betrayal, pity. And a lot of numbness.