2/2/22

I had somewhat of a breakdown today. probably not the best way to start off the month of lurrveee, but i am a single 25 year old with endless job stress and no one to talk to. It is what it is lmao.

It's the first time ever that I felt I was genuinely having a panic attack. There have been instances of course, in the past, where I felt things were bad, but it was still teeteringly bad, like it wasn't BAD bad. I still had the mental space and clarity to see things from a bird's eye view. This time though, it felt fucking scary cos I couldn't predict what I would do next. 

I pulled myself out of it though, thank god. But it's still there in the shadows of my mind. 

What triggered it, you ask? 

A better question would be, what didn't??? 

I feel better writing about how it happened though. At least I still feel like myself through my writing. Cos honestly I've felt like a bag of bones lately. Like just a bunch of bones knocking about in a bag. All parts disconnected and disorganized. All potential but no fusion. No meat to stick to. Lol.   

I still don't feel like I'm getting to where I wanna get at though. Let me try to stop beating around the bush. No bush beating. Nope.

This is what I wanna get at.

No matter what the world throws at me, I will not harden. I will do everything But that. I will NOT fuckin harden. 

I will stay optimistic, and supple, and pure. No matter how hard it is to stay that way.The world is needlessly cruel to those who've already had too much happen to them. I will try my best to be a balm for myself, and I pray to have the same capacity of love and acceptance for others.